


Sex Ed at Garreg Mach

by RoaringTurtle



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, It doesn't really need to be rated M right now, Maybe - Freeform, but in the future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:33:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23270248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoaringTurtle/pseuds/RoaringTurtle
Summary: After 1100 years, Garreg Mach Academy decides to revise its Sex Ed Curriculum
Comments: 17
Kudos: 26





	Sex Ed at Garreg Mach

“Seteth,” Rhea entered her aide’s office, “How are you this fine morning?”

“Lady Rhea, as you can see, I have plenty of work to be done so tell me what it is quickly.” He gestured to the pile of paperwork that covered every inch of his deck. Ever since the Western Church started their smear campaign against the central church, he had to write counter arguments and send them to any clergy to keep up the faith in the Church. But it wasn’t all bad. He could always have a good laugh when he heard them say that Rhea misrepresented the teachings of Saint Seiros.

“Seteth, you should always make time for a polite greeting.” Rhea advised, “But yes, you are correct, there is something I need to tell you.” Rhea sat in the chair across from him and pulled out a sheet of paper. “I believe we need to make some updates to our Sexual Education Curriculum here at Garreg Mach.”

“What’s wrong with our current course?” Seteth stopped his quill, “I came up with it after all, so I am open to constructive criticism.”

“I feel like it may be lacking in some places,” Rhea showed the piece of paper that contained the official summary of the course and read from it, “For instance, what about this: If you have sex before you are married, you will die.”

Seteth looked particularly proud of that one, “Yes, I feel like I summarized all they need to know in that one!”

“Did you, though?” Rhea skeptically asked him, dropping her serene Archbishop act.

“Of course? I’m sorry, Lady Rhea, I don’t understand. Please just tell me what is so problematic with it.”

“For one, you ought to be a bit more comprehensive. After all, they might be curious and do something drastic. Perhaps if they knew more about the issue, they could be more aware of the actual dangers and consequences?”

“I’m pretty sure they know the consequences, Lady Rhea, it's right there,” Seteth pointed out. It wasn’t like you needed to explain to someone why an axe through the head should be avoided. 

Dying was generally frowned upon.

“Seteth, you don’t truly believe that people die if they fuck before they are married, do you? It isn’t like we cast a spell during marriage to make two people immune to death by screwing.” Rhea told him with total seriousness. It was strange to hear the Archbishop curse, but Seteth had more important things to deal with. 

“What? But Indech told me that. Is it only Nabateans who die, then? Do humans have a different biology from us?”

“Oh, Cichol,” Rhea gave Seteth a pitying look, “You poor, innocent, summer child. My sweet, naïve baby brother...”

“Seiros, I’m only 200 years younger than you.” Seteth protested, “Please don’t treat me like a child.”

Rhea gave him an unconvinced look but ended her list of adjectives. “Indech lied to you. He probably didn’t want to hear you two banging in the house, and he also didn’t want to go out if you guys did. So he must have lied to get you two to move out together.”

“What... No! Indech wouldn’t do that?” Seteth thought for a moment, before realizing that’s exactly something Indech would do, “Would he?”

“The Gautier boy would have died 50 times over by now if he was telling the truth,” Rhea rolled her eyes at him, “And you do know that illegitimate children exist, right? How did you think that happened!? Honestly, I just thought you were being overprotective, like usual, but I never thought you actually believed it.” Rhea shook her head with disappointment

“...You may be right,” Seteth conceded. It took him a minute to process since it hurt to hear that his brother had lied to him for all these years. It also explained why his wife thought he was joking when he told her back when they were dating. It explained a lot of things, actually. It also made him a little pissed. He missed out on years of sex! Admittedly, a year wasn’t very long for a Nabatean, but it was the principle! 

“But do we need to update it now?” Seteth tried to compromise, “Couldn’t we just scare them away from screwing each other until we finish dealing with the Western Church? We are completely swamped with work right now! Besides, what if the students learned that they wouldn’t die if they slept with Flayn! She would always be in danger!”

Rhea raised an eyebrow, “Seteth, you know that’s irresponsible. As for Flayn, everyone already knows that they definitely will die if they made a move on her, sex or no.”

“Yes, of course. It’s just…” Seteth sighed in defeat, unable to look her in the eyes, “Because I was mistaken, I may have thrown out most of the books on Sex Ed because I thought they contained misinformation.”

“Wait, so you read all those books, and you still thought people would die if they slept together before they were married?” Rhea had a bemused smirk as Seteth felt his ears grow hotter every second.

“Indech was the wisest scholar of his generation! How was I supposed to know?” Seteth protested, which just caused Rhea’s Cheshire grin to grow even larger.

“That’s adorable, Cichol! I bet he would be overjoyed to hear that you trusted him over those textbooks!” Rhea rubbed her hands with anticipation on how to use this newfound ammunition. Rhea may have been the dignified and respected leader of the church, but she was an older sister first and foremost.

“Either way, we don’t have the proper materials for the course.” Seteth restated their main problem, mostly to get the Archbishop to move on.

“That’s fine, I was actually thinking we could get a Professor to lead a seminar and answer questions. In fact, I already have someone in mind!” Rhea told Seteth, which gave him a very bad feeling, “Professor Byleth!”

“Lady Rhea, no,” Seteth tried to cut her off before she could say it, but he was too late. It wasn’t hard to guess which teacher she would recommend considering her current obsession. “Although I will admit he is a much better teacher than I thought, that was in combat, where he has a lifetime of experience. But he is still a first-year teacher! This might be too much responsibility to give at once.” Seteth voiced his complaints, but Rhea would probably ignore them as always.

“Well, he surprised us once, maybe he’ll do it again.” Rhea insisted with completely unfounded confidence. 

“Also, he was the Ashen Demon! Do you honestly think that a mercenary should be teaching nobles about Sex Ed? Wouldn’t Manuela be a better teacher, since she is in charge of the infirmary? This is  _ her  _ area of expertise.” Seteth tried, but it fell on deaf ears.

“Seteth, have I ever been wrong before?” Rhea asked, and Seteth wondered if she was serious.

“YES!” Seteth couldn’t even count how many times he had been dragged into Rhea’s messes, “‘Hey, Cichol, wanna drink this cactus juice?’, ‘Hey, Cichol, can I play this fun game where I throw your daughter up in the air?’, ‘Hey, Cichol, wanna work at the Church I made while you were sleeping that venerates our family’s murderers?’” Seteth imitated Rhea’s ideas, but Rhea ignored him.

“As Archbishop, my decision is final, and Byleth will teach the seminar.”

“Why are you so insistent on Byleth? Does he know anything about Sex Ed?” Seteth was at the end of his rope.

“Well Mothe— I mean Byleth has children,” Rhea said as if it were obvious.

“What are you talking about!? He obviously doesn’t!” Seteth was 500% done.

“Oh, of course,” Rhea amended, “But he obviously has experience. Have you seen his ass? What a sex symbol! I bet he had men and women throwing themselves at him in his mercenary days!”

“Lady Rhea, that is extremely inappropriate!” Seteth did not want to hear about his older sister’s fantasies. Especially with one of her employees!

“But either way, we ought to ask, at least.” Rhea moved on, “And then you can gracefully admit that you were wrong. I’ll go call him!”

“Don’t bother, Lady Rhea,” Seteth gave up fighting the inevitable, “It’s a Sunday, so he’ll be running around the Monastery like a demon just so he can talk to everyone. I haven’t seen him yet, so he’ll be by in a bit.”

And true to Seteth’s word, Byleth slammed open the door to his office. Most people would knock first or come back later when the door was open. But most people understood basic social cues and Byleth was not most people.

“Byleth!” Archbishop Rhea smiled serenely as she forgave the complete lack of privacy, “We were just talking about you. Please, have a seat.” She offered, despite being in Seteth’s office.

“Right,” Seteth cleared his throat as Byleth sat down. “Lady Rhea and I were discussing our current curriculum for Sexual Education here at Garreg Mach. We  _ mutually _ agreed that it needs to be revamped, and we're curious if you would be interested in teaching this updated course.” Seteth offered the page with the curriculum (with one whole bullet point) to the former mercenary, who looked it over.

“It looks fine,” Byleth nodded, much to the shock of the other two.

“Is that so?” Seteth gave Rhea the smuggest look possible, “You don’t see anything wrong with the statement ‘If you have sex before you are married, you will die’?” Byleth, to his credit, seemed to get that Seteth was sarcastic, and looked ashamed.

“Alright, you’ve caught me,” Byleth put his hands up, “I haven’t really heard of this weapon before. But it can’t be hard for me to teach it! After all, I’ve never used magic before, but I can teach that well enough!” Byleth’s optimism was not reflected in his face (due to his lack of emotions), nor the faces of the other two.

“Byleth…” Rhea asked when she got over her shock, “Do you even know what sex is?”

“Not really,” Byleth shrugged, “But some of the Mercenaries I traveled with would talk about it sometimes. Is it important?”

Seteth could barely hold back a laugh as Rhea gave him a death stare. He was  _ never  _ going to let her forget this.

“So did your father never give you the talk or any advice?” Rhea tried another attempt, but Seteth thought it was pretty futile.

“I mean, he always felt uncomfortable when they talked about it around me, so not really. But he did give me one piece of advice: ‘Always wear a condom!’ ”

“Please tell me you aren't wearing a condom right now!” Seteth begged, knowing how literal Byleth was.

“But my dad told me to! Wanna see?” Byleth offered.

“No!” Seteth turned him down before Rhea, whose eyes lit up, could say anything. 

“So have you never felt attracted to anyone before?” Rhea asked, “Like sexually or romantically?”

“Lady Rhea, do I have to make a Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Seminar for you, and only you?” Seteth asked because she definitely should not be asking an employee this stuff. Ace and Aro rights and all that stuff.

“Quiet, Seteth, this is important Church Business” Rhea cut him off, despite him being in charge of all the important Church Business she never wanted to deal with. She probably just wanted to know if she had a chance with the hot teacher.

“Sorry, Rhea, but I really don’t know what you mean.” Byleth apologized, “To be honest, before I came to Garreg Mach, I never felt much of anything. But ever since I came here, there have just been so many new feelings that I can’t really figure out.”

“Well, that’s perfectly normal for someone in your situation,” Seteth did his therapist thing since the school wouldn’t hire anyone, “I think you should take your time to figure out all the emotions if you are being overwhelmed.”

“Yeah, no,” Rhea threw away Seteth’s sage advice, “Think for a moment, Byleth, is there someone who is constantly on your mind? Someone who makes your heart race? Someone you wouldn’t want other people getting close to? A person who you can’t bring yourself to look in the eyes?”

Byleth pondered for a minute, before coming to an answer, “Maybe the Death Knight? I can’t really see their eyes behind the mask, and I definitely don’t want one of my students to fight him. And my heart does race whenever we lock blades! And I constantly wonder about his true identity!” Byleth’s eyes widened at the revelation, “Am I in love with the Death Knight?”

“I think you may be mistaken…” Seteth tried to placate, “After all, the line between love and hate can be very thin-” 

“We need to kill the Death Knight,” Rhea’s icy eyes held the message that if she couldn’t have Byleth, no one could.

“Okay that’s enough out of both of you,” Seteth stopped them, “Do I need to remind you both that he kidnapped my sister?”

“Are you still on that?” Rhea asked, “That was a whole month ago.”

“Yeah, I’m so jealous,” Byleth didn’t elaborate and Seteth didn’t want him to.

“ _ Anyways, _ I don’t think you should teach the seminar, Byleth. If anything, you need to be in the audience!”

“That’s fair…” Byleth looked curious. “Will they teach us how to wear a condom?” 

“And Lady Rhea, this academy is obviously in dire need of a sex-ed class, so we have to rectify this immediately!”

“I suppose so,” Rhea was no longer interested since she couldn’t put Byleth in charge of the class, “Let’s just get it over with already.”


End file.
